World Domination - In which Alita and a Sex Changed!Harley think up diabolical plans to take over the world.
"Never forget that for all the great moments in history and all the supposed conspiracies for them, there is always more than one thing happening at once."
The black haired woman flashed a brillantly smug smile for coming to that conclusion, flicking a spoon to point at her blonde companion. Said blonde man winced as flicks of milk landed on his shirt, and shifted slightly away from the waving spoon, the cheap plastic of the cafe chair scraping with that particular nails on blackboard sound on the brick layered ground.
Dull, hazelgreen eyes regarded the woman skeptically. "There a reason you called me here Alita? Besides drinking this delightful emblem of capitalism?" He prodded pointedly at the cheap cardboard cup proudly displaying its 'Starbucks' label.
The not entirely serious look in her dark brown eyes disappeared breifly over the edge of her cup. The blonde glanced at the mishapen, oddly talon like forms of her nails. No, that hadn't changed either.
"To put it simply, I want to take over the world." Alita's fingers tucked short black hair behind her ears, obviously an action of habit. She glanced around, drawing attention to her childish ploy at irony. Starbucks coffee = capitalism = bad. Har har. She snorted. "So Harley, wanna help?"
"Not this again, you're twenty five, shouldn't you go and pop some children out, get a career or something?" He picked at the loose threads in his rainbow coloured tie dyed shirt absentmindedly.
"As much as you're going to Ms Sex Change." People who were definitely eaves dropping and not hiding it very well shot surprised glances at him. Harley shrugged and shared a smile.
Harley wasn't his real name, nor was Alita hers, but hey, where's the fun is doing stuff normally right? Normal wasn't going to come along any time soon when you're a girl who's now a guy, who happens to like other guys, who also happened to be friends with a woman who seemed to have every sexual kink in her system yet seemed to have no sex drive at all. Couple that with a warped childhood and mentalities of mild insanity with a good dose of cynicism and you have two individuals who are really, fucked up.
So yes, stuff like children, careers (due mostly to extreme laziness) and normal were out of the question.
"Alright," He leaned back on the uncomfortable plastic seat, feigning casual. "You've been talking about this since you were twelve, haven't lifted a finger despite all your planning, and we've seen how badly people react to terrorism. How exactly do you plan to do this?"
"Ah." Alita lifted a finger, "Don't break what works. Let's steal some ideas."
"Such as?" Harley gave her his 'unimpressed look'.
"Fight club. Religion. Cults. Politics."
"You want us to start middle class men fighting each other, create a miltary group while creating our own religion and asking everyone of its members to sacrifice themselves while we lie through our teeth about everything we're doing."
"Aha. And how are we to get money for this brilliantly expensive scheme? Right now, you and are are this close to be hobos." Harley squeezed his fingers together.
"I know." Alita sighed sadly. "But, I think being a hobo is a dream that may never come true. We're too damn smart and beautiful and successful."
Harley burst out laughing. "There is always being a paperclip."
"There is that." Alita paused. "But first, world domination, and, instead of using middle class men, let's go for the nerds."
Alita nodded sagely. "We nerds have almost complete knowledge of every system in the world combined, even conspiracy theories to rock the foundations of this world, all the information you ever possibly need or not ever know in great detail and a fanatical zeal for being obsessed. We practically have a religion right there."
"We have the brain capacity and the skills to take down Washington for the fun of it and the insanity to go through with it on a challenge I see your point. You however, forget most nerds, are fat overweight men or weedy teenagers like us."
"That's where the Fight Club principle comes back into play. Appearance causes underestimation, and everyone of us wants to break out of reality which is why we love stories and comics etctera. I want to offer them that kind of reality. I know I'd do anything for the chance to walk on the equivalent of Middle Earth or some kind of Neo Metropolitian city."
"You want to make this world Disneyland."
Alita nodded. "Except everything is named after poo."
Harley snorted in laughter. "Good girl."
"Anyway, that way I have set out places, people can go wherever they think is most ideal. My world order would start by being the biggest architectual reconstruction history has ever seen."
Harley sighed, "There you go again, you have the end result planned and never the process."
"I'm getting to it." Alita leaned back, suddenly looking too casual to be genuine. "So, wanna help?"
Harley frowned. On the one hand, he had no job at the moment since he quit the evil empire that was Michelle's Patiseries, didn't have a current guy to have wild monkey sex and spent a majority of his days sitting in front of a screen of some sort. In short, he had much time on his hands. He leaned back, copying Alita's posture, and noted how much of their life was like a huge parody of some sort. Cue the Mission Impossible theme.
"I'm in on three conditions-"
"Why three? Why not eight? Or two?" Alita interrupted immediately.
"One, no getting arrested, we do this, we do it like professionals, I don't have a black mark on my otherwise white spanky clean um, public reputation." Alita chuckled.
"Two, neat slogans. Everyone needs a neat slogan to go with their cult. And a theme song. Definitely a theme song."
Alita nodded in total agreement.
"And three," Harley ticked off his last finger, "I get a cushy job with a extremely impressive title, like Grand Supreme Dominion Sovereign Admiral of the Fleets of the World, something with initials longer than my own name." He spread his hands and bowed mockingly in a humble gesture. "That is all I ask for in the world, and my own little piece of land called the Netherlands."
Alita considered it, then shrugged. "Sure, though Master is alot more appealing to me. Or Emperor. Short and sweet."
Harley steepled his hands together, his glasses and their thick round frames glinting. "Excellent. Then we're in business."
"Harley, what are we doing tomorrow?"
"What we always do everyday, Alita."
They both pushed back their chairs, and flung their coffee cups in the air like crude champagne, striking righteous Charlie Angel poses. "TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!"
Alita giggled. "Dun dun dun. Genius? Check. Gayness? Check. Lameness? Check. Insanity? Double check. Looks like we're set."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Two years later, same crappy coffee store, which happened to be surrounded by identical coffee stores on each side, Harlequinn aka Harley to his super duper friends, waited in the same uncomfortable plastic chairs.
Moments later, a woman with longish hair stumbled in, panting, hands on her knees. He hadn't heard from her in at least a year. This meeting was as strange as the first. Something was up.
Alita flopped down. "Stairs should be banned. They pain me."
"I haven't heard from you in a year and the first thing you say to me is a whine. Typical." Was he hurt? Was he bitter? No, not one bit.
Alita glanced at him, and tried for a smile. "Sorry been busy. Everything is going to plan el capitan!"
"What plan?" Okay, he was angry. Angry however, usually equates unimpressed. And he was severely unimpressed.
"The world domination plan of course!" Alita looked slightly peevish. "Oh, the whole one year thing right? Oh come on, we talked on the net! I had an empire to build!"
"You still think you're going to take over the world?" Harley paused. "I think I'm going to hit you."
"Hold on! Hold on!" Alita suddenly sombered. She lifted a crumbled bit of paper from her pocket. "Sign this."
Harley looked at the crumbled bit of paper with the illegible scrawl. "What is it?"
"I want your soul... what do you THINK it is!?"
Harley held it up. "Either an old tissue or a fantasically bad doodle."
Alita rolled her eyes and pulled a suitcase out of nowhere, and this time, a crisp, typed paper. "Here."
"Once again, What. Is. It."
"Contract of confidentiality, support in cases of emergency, loyalty in conflict of interest, declaration that in should you suffer accidental death or injury that I or the organisation would not be held accountable. Sign here, here, initial here, sign here too, and x here."
"Uh huh. Sounds official." Harley picked up the pen. "You do realise should any of these things happen I'll sue you for everything you've got right?"
"Yep, you can try, and then we can declare war on each other and have ten years of spite over a boyfriend and some kind of shack of a property before meeting up again when we're eighty and wrinkled and use our crutches as swords in our final battle." Alita smiled.
"Cool, as long as you understand that, I'm in. Any fine print I need to know?" Harley squinted over his glasses at the small size 4 font.
"Not really since I kind of made it up so it looks more intelligent." She packed the paper away. "I've been building this up for a while now, it's all over the internet, every forum, all those that believe the matrix or trekkie warp fans are in, it's harder to swing the otaku, but the slashers are all on board, so are all the mecha anime fans. I've got operatives in all major continents."
"Huh. Fast work."
"So, now for the build to actual power." Alita chuckled darkly. "Let's go for parliament."
"No one in their right minds would vote you into Parliament."
"No, but everyone will vote YOU. Not only are you blonde, male, of voting age, who is part american part european and born in Australia, but also with a background that no one else can trace. Made sure of it."
"You're kidding me."
"I've got 200 signatures in my bag, and bribes everywhere. Next election you will be Prime Minister Harlequinn Silverarrow." Alita looked her her nails, "While I work in the background and start elimination the competition."
Harley blinked. "You know, this might seem strange to other people after meeting after a year of non contact for 5 minutes, but, for me, I'll have to say-" He put his thumbs up. "Let's go for it."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Harley stared dubiously at the phallic plastic object with a disturbing face. "Why is our base of operations a Condom shop?"
"No one ever suspects the condom shop," Alita promptly replied. "I've assembled our crack team of operatives, these people will be my generals some day."
Walking past aisles of dildos and multicoloured packets, some noticeably glowing in the dark, they entered into a little side room that immediately struck Harley as being the stock room. Why else would there be background humming in the form of twenty boxes of vibrators sliding along the floor?
"This is so we will not be heard," Alita explained.
The blonde man looked at their 'crack team of operatives'. Three of them looked at him like he was a piece of antelope, one waved at him and didn't stop and the last threw a piece of chocolate at him like a projectile. Harley caught the flying chocolate in his mouth in a precise show of coolness.
Alita cleared her throat, and gestured to the first man. "This is Bob, our Human resources and publicity front, he's also a top hacker."
Bob was a twenty something man who didn't have any distinguishing features wearing a crisp shirt and tie, and a pair of ugly board shorts. He shook Harley's hand. "Hi. I molest children."
Alita gestured to the next man while Harley gave her and 'Bob' deeply disturbed looks. "This is Kitty-neko-kawaii-sakura-chan. We don't actually know his real name but call him KNKSC for short. He's our demolition expert."
"It's pronounced Ke-enk-si-c. Tyler Dylan says, buy soap."
Harley found himself with a bar of nicely wrapped soap and no idea how to say the man's name. KNKSC didn't even look particularily feminine considering he was a hulking muscle italiano guy with red hair wearing what looked to be two pieces of a cardboard box.
Alita smiled. "This one here is Nat. You should remember her from school."
The brown haired woman gave him an lifted eyebrow. "Dude. You're a dude."
"That I am." Harley shook Nat's hand.
"She'll work together with Opal as our torture and miscellenous chick." Nat held up Tess of the D'urbervilles. Harley shuddered. Alita shrugged. "Opal won't be around much though. She's got a boyfriend."
"Ahhhh." Harley nodded in understanding.
"That's Nando/Ailee/Jocelyn/Kimbo and basically everyone else we know squished into one person. She'll be doing most of the work so we'll not be seeing much of her either."
Harley waved back at the still waving girl.
The girl who chucked the chocolate stepped up, glasses glinting with unholy glee. "I AM AUREYA OF CHOCOLATE! BOW BEFORE ME LITTLE MORTAL OR YOU SHALL TASTE THE SWEET COCOA PAIN OF MY ALUMINIMUM FOIL!"
"That's a girl we picked up off the street, but I think I remember her... or something." Alita crossed her arms. "She'll provide us with snacks."
"Yo," Harley said.
"Ain't you the Prime Minister?" Bob asked.
"Should be PM be seen in a condom shop?" Bob looked at the vibrating boxes pointedly.
Alita raised her eyebrows. "Since when did you become Prime Minister?"
Harley grinned, "Yesterday."
"FIRST AGENDA OF THE TEAM!!!" Aureya cried dramatically. She slapped a craft single down onto the table. "CHEESE RACING OLYMPICS!!!!111"
"Bring it ONNNN." Alita slapped down her own piece of cheese.
And so the cheese racing olumpics were founded.
Um yes, more stuff happened and they took over the world. The end.
WTfOmGLooooooooool (pronounced 'lole')