1.My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7.When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?"
My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8.When I've captured my adversary and he says,
"Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
10.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is
necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red
button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough
to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
13.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving
clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
15.I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not
show them any.
16.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is
able to spot will be corrected before implementation. (from Alita' Under 5 day Care)
17.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied
into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths,
as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned
18.My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my
organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress
20.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is
absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero
is just putting his plan into operation. (Most of the best bombs are actually structured like this)
26.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When
so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual
could adjust to accordingly. (if it's unavoidable, do look around before you indulge)
27.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of
terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers,
Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my
troops to have a more positive mind-set. (see Number 1. We can Derelique our own balls thank you very much)
29.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way
-- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
spears and rocks.
30.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this
takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be!
I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is
completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
36.Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who
are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the
ground for no good structural reason. (Yeah. Pyramid should not collapse for no good reason. It should live on like those ruins on Yavin)
37.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. (HEAR THAT EVERYONE?! GOOD?! Good.)
41.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate
how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. (Ditto goes to the minions. Cannon fodder should be deployed when it's necessary, not exterminated needlessly)
42.I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an
outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and
denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc.
That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. (Now THAT is a good idea)
43.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel
bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely
from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. (Flanel is good. So is ugly lycra or velvet stretchy brown pants of horror which are very warm and have those things that hook onto your heel. Bwaha. Fear my tackiness)
47.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same
cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person
instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
(ABOUT the prison system: To save resources it should be separated into short term and long term cells. Long term cells should actually have facilities like bed and toilet but short term ones, since the people are going to die anyway should only include an empty room with nothing in it, and once the prisoner's stay is over can be hosed down with no fuss. That way we can save on food and stuff. Prisons are NOT suppose to be comfortable resorts. There is no such thing as an important prisoner that warrants more than these conditions. For every attractive person that wants to kill us, there has to be an equally attractive person who doesn't want to kill me to be invited into my bed chamber. If they're politically important, you can shove them into a guest room.)
51.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will
use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
54.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever
sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow
him around. (goes for all victims, we can also have a dog holding the keys [which won't actually unlock the doors] ala POTC)
58.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my
organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at
him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. (Minions are people too.)
59.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?"
I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
63.My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely
incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
64.I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high
double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. (There should be at least SEVEN barrier doors should people want to invade.)
70.My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a
man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. (WHY YES. LEARN TO SHOOT BELOVED MINIONS.)
72.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a
one-liner. (Unless you can multitask and do this while running dramatically. You will look where you are escaping to and not run off a cliff accidentally.)
74.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of
using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.
77.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which
intruders could use for cover in a fire fight. (A pyramid is such a handy shape. Only 4 corners!)
79.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot,
with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
intervals. (Unless they need to be recycled, then they need to be taken by TRUCKS to a location nowhere NEAR the palace. the incoming Trucks will be Xrayed, nuclear radiation screened and infra-red scanned before coming anywhere near the palace. Dittio for on the way out incase anyone ahs the bright idea to escape. A dubious scan would equal the contents being incinerated immediately.)
81.If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of
my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be
the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
82.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone
press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to
enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
(And retina scans for the inner circle. At least 5 different security checks for anyone going in or out. Including a pass, finger print, retina, clothing check, body scan or anything tucked within, and polite interrogation)
84.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat
every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
87.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at
least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on
patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.
91.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old
advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and
leave it lying on top of my desk. (Instead, we shall label it "Cheese racing Olympics, the how to and Do to of cheese racing")
97.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of
wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. (Strongest first, weakest last, and then another batch of relatively strong troops, so when he's all tired at the end, he'll still have to face some badass minions. Should that fail, let Jazzo start talking really loudly on the speaker system to deter their journey. IF they miraculously gte into the inner sanctum, they will be disposed of when our two loaded guns.)
99.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of
them with free unlimited Internet access. (And NEVER EVER threaten to cut their wages unless absolutely necessary. if they complain about wages, they will meaningless free gifts, like vouchers for free facials.)